It started in October

none

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 05:19:00 GMT

so i live in IM. I have a not horrible job. I have no car. I have a girlfriend. I still think about how things got so awful and why they did and still have no answers. I still miss my ex. I think about her everyday even though, i haven't spoken with her or seen her in months. I am an idiot. beating yourself up does nothing. but i always wish that it did.

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 03:13:59 GMT

i don't even want to write about thanksgiving. it was fun very fun, very thankful. maybe too fun. as far as now i was sick for the last four days and am now coming out of it. I just sit here listening to Jeff Buckley's "last goodbye" and a few select songs by third eye blind wondering how i have been decceiving myself so throughly. Things are getting better but only by small bits. Jeff Buckley, i suggest everyone listen him at one point his version of Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujiah" is simply amazing.

ben

Thu, 17 Nov 2005 00:01:44 GMT

so it has been as long time since i wrote on here. i have been involveed in many activities which would be better left unmentioned. I seem to have destroy a potential relationship with a girl in one night. I have missed a test. But things are really looking up. Thanksgiving is coming which is nice not that i have been working that hard but i love road trips no matter where to or the reason. Also i will probably see her if i am lucky. I spoke with her for the first time in months. It was an uneventful conversation aside from a very poingnant question "What is your life plan?" It nearly floored me to hear it. Anyway i have to cram for this botany test i missed and the prof is graciously letting me make up so have a good one

screw subjects and subjectivism

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 17:22:50 GMT

So, this morning I was greeted by the sound of my roommate going nuts on his girlfriend about 8 feet from my head. No yelling just a nonrhythmic thumping. I was not annoyed by it happening, i was just kinda sad that someone could be that crass and be bad at sex. I mean honestly sex without rhythm is like tennis without a net, you can do it but it is just kinda stupid. I bet he doesn't even know i was here as i was pretty late to my botany lab. I need to get more studying done for this sex test and not keep screwing up my assignments for photography. I couldn't drag myself in last night as I haven't gotten shit finished in there. I still need to shoot the assignment that was due last night. Well today the slacking ends, it has to. No choice. I tried sending an e-mail to somone and got the address wrong, kinda lucky when i think about it. well i'm off like a prom dress.

stuff and things

Wed, 02 Nov 2005 19:49:57 GMT

So this should be short, really it should. I have tons of shit that I just don't want to do in photography and I am like a week behind because some of my portraits were just fucked up. Anyway I know I will get it done, and once that is in the bag tonight I am going to need to study like crazy for the human sexuality test. Not because i think that I might otherwise do poorly but I need to set the curve on this so dennid sticks to his promise of writing me a letter to the admission comittee. I know I can too, but that book is so distracting to me, I really enjoy reading the stuff in it that I did not previously know, which is not that much but I feel for the first time in a Psych class that if I had to I could teach the frigging class, and I even know what I would do differently in teaching it also. I hope I can switch things around at BWs so I can have a decent period in which to hunt on Friday rather than having the experience be bracketed by a doctor's appointment and having to fill out tax documents. I am so frigging amped up right now it isn't even funny. Well maybe a little. I can feel that crazy almost manic energy that takes hold of me and lets me do shit that a person should not realy be able to do in seriousness. Not like I have the world on a string but like I know where to find that string and I am frantically running toward it even though my lungs burn and my muscles ache I just go and go and go. Last night was weird in a few ways. My roommate wasn't around so I drank a forty watched Mad money and went to bed. It took me the better part of three hours to get to sleep around four. So i missed botany, meiosis and mitosis, big deal, tomorrow is what counts and I know it. But the dreams I had last night were so vivid that it was almost strange. i would wake after a few minutes of sleep and have total recall of each one. The best was on she was in. Just her and I, nothing even sexual about it, just a conversation of how things were, or would be. Far from frustrating it was heartening, almost like sign from some part of me that is well adjusted and normal that the way things are going is for the best and that even if it doesn't fall into place the way I want at least i am still going to be able to walk away with my dignity. outta here............

nice rant

Tue, 01 Nov 2005 21:16:11 GMT

Well, here i am writing on this journal again. I have moved into this new place. I have the master bedroom at a premium of like 20 bucks a month, which is worth it to me. I it is still pretty bare as my roommate seems to own less furniture than i do. We have cable which is nice, as is the balcony, and the garbage disposal. The last place i lived with a garbage disposal was in high school. I feel like a real person now living here. It was a bitch moving in as it was raining last night and the guy who was moving out didn't finish until after i went to bed which was probably like 1:30 or so. I was terrifically late for my botany this morning. I really don't like going out the way i look right now, Most of the skin on my entire face has peeled off in large sheets, it seriously looks like th ones fromn goldmember in AP3. Anyway it seems to have worked to some degree. BWs has yet to call and i am starting to wonder if they are really going to hire me. I just finished a two liter of diet pepsi. I am a serious fiend for that shit. It isn't like i am even that thirsty but it gives me something to do and the caffiene actaualy makes me wired enough to get motivated. I can't wait for this month to be over, i have it planned out in my head how things will go but i wonder if that is really what will happen. This math class is starting to eat at me. Lately it seems like everything instead of pounding on my head like a four year old with a plastic hammer it all just eats at me. Little by little. The girl thing still will not leave me, i am trying to shake it but in all honesty, what does a person do? I have no real desire to go to the bars and I don't have anyone to go with anyway. I read a letter i wrote but never sent last night. I wrote it at the beginning of August. The horrible thing was that the way i felt in that letter was exactly how i feel right now, only slightly less intense and more slef loathing. Shouldn't I change how I feel in three months? I think i have conquered every addiction i have except caffiene and now i have a facebook problem. It is a bit like watching reality TV for me. I know it is weird and not really normal but i just love it anyway. Stupid photography. I have to develop two rolls and print them and hand them in and they are already late. This is not going to be pleasant. I also have to shoot and process a roll by tomorrow's class. The worst part is being in the darkroom, adjusting and waiting for prints to come through. It seriously ends up as 50% waiting when i am in the darkroom, which seems so wasteful, it is like fishing in the sense of waiting but there is no reasonable way to pass the time, just stand there and anticipate what the print wil look like. God, just look, i am talented at rambling if nothing else. I know there are plenty of other things, just not right to mention them all. I love so much in my life, and i adore the beauty i see every day. I just need to find a way to speed things up a bit. The most beautiful landscapes i have seen always looked better the faster i skied or drove by them, almost like if i went fast enough iwould melt in a little and gain some of the inherent beauty.

hope, that winged thing

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 18:24:10 GMT

OK, so hallowen at the yooper house was fun. Signing the new lease on the new place was useful. I still have this empty hole in me though. It just won't go away. The worst part is that it is not like being depressed. Somehow better and worse. Just sort of annoyed with the way things are. Like Photography, i am way behind in it and it is probably my least favorite class right now including Math. Seriously, it is so repetetive i can't stand it. Also i have decided to stop spell checking my journal because that sort of screws with the purpose of it to me. Honestly, i am not writing this for other people to come and read and see what is going on in my life. If this were a travel journal as i was hiking across europe then i might say that spell checking would be useful but for this purpose it simply isn't. Another way to put it might be to steal a line from singer/ songwriter Anna Nalick. She has a lyric in whatever song they always play on the radio that going something to the effect of " writing these things down so they aren't inside of me threatening the life in me" or something like that. It makes sense really. Because after i just sit and write all this down i feel a little more relaxed and a little less weird and alienated. Alientation. It should be my word of the semester. Seriously everywhere i go i feel like i am intruding on the life of someone else. Often i feel like i am intruding on my own life. I meet people again and find out they remember me as much better than i see myself. Which is kinda nice i guess. It has been helping me put myself back together. I am not the person i was in Idaho, not by any means. It is weird how location chnges so much. But when no one is looking at you to get obliterated and cause a scene everywhere you go it is much easier to be yourself(whatever that means). I did not see chelsea and lauren this week. I felt sort of bad about it but it would have been a huge hassle, and they seemed only mildly interested anyway. I have so many things i want and wish for. Many I still dare not write down lest someone see this and wonder if i am just throwing a pity party but that is the risk you often take when functioning like this. I gave my new roommate a ride to work today, he was so thankful for it that it was kinda weird. I have met his girlfriend and she is nice. I am going to enjoy this new place, i really am. I just wish moving wasn't such a hassle, this being my fourth move essentially in a little over a year. I am getting very tired of it. So much stuff to pack up and move out. And then there is unpacking. Also a huge hassle. So I have tried to stop myself from writing about this but it is just going to come out. I haven't talked to her in weeks, more than three, I am assuming things with this new guy are going well and I also have a hunch that he shares my first name which would explain the reluctance to chare it with me. Anyway, it is dragging me down. I am letting it which is true and need to let go but it hurts with an intensity that i cannot explain. I have had deaths that affected me less than this. I have no real basis for comparsion. I won't start into trite attempts to quatitfy this feeling only that it is not pleasant. The worst part though really is not the actuality and the feeling but the hope. Hope is in this situation a vile enemy that drives theses feelings onward when all, logic, reason, sanity. Anything that a person should really trust in their own thoughts and intellect goes against. There was once a long period of time where i hated hope. Not recently, more like last spring. Hope was a vile enemy that tricked people into dragging themselves through the most vile and horrible things for only the vague promise of relief from suffering and pain. Well, i don't hate hope now, i really don't I just wish it would have a long conversation with reality and reason and see if they can work something out.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 17:29:18 GMT

So, i came home thursday night. Friday moring hotch got paid to basically give me the worst sunburn of my life. Now i am sitting in IM waiting to get out of here. I a going to celebrate Halloween at central. I can't even really say why. It just sort of seemed right. I haven't been there since last month and it is a fun time. As far as that other thing i haven't even attmepted to contact her and won't. I wonder how this is going to be. Likely i will get so smashed i will cock block myself or maybe i might just really get into my costume and get someone to really buy into the idea. That would be fun. central usually is. I wish i could just get so much of this figured out. It just wrecks me to stand in the most unstable period of my life basically alone. Not, that a sig other is what i mean. In all reality i have almost no stable group of friends yet at MSU, which makes sense as i am not even technically a student there but i have to change that really i do. I still feel so bad calling up people i knew in high school and asking where things are happening. it occured to me today that through no particular effort i have not drank for a week. Which is so weird, i must be getting old, because there are streches i can remember clearly where stopping for a week meant that i had probably done something newsworthy and embarassing the week before and felt like i had to stop. Now i feel like i have to start, not to feel normal, or have fun, but to fit in. aawwww scre it.

aaaaahhh stuff....

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 04:04:58 GMT

Yeah, i am writing in this the second time today so what. You wanna make something of it? I am not really angry now but it makes me feel a little better to act like it. So today i went to botany, great, and photography, and a meeting with a prof and talked on the phone more than should be legal. I also lifted, today i did mostly legs and a little deltoids, i have been so slipshod in the gym it is pathetic really. I think it is because of the shitty hours they keep there only between 12:00 and 2:00 m-th also 5:40 to 7:30 and then only the early time on friday. This of course hacks me off like crazy, I mean it isn't like i can't be productive at those times but face it they are big times for meals and if i have low blood sugar going in or a full stomach it just doesn't sit right with me. I am just bitching but it really does throw a wrench in my gears. Now on to other business. After much wrangling i managed to get school info to arbor glen so they will let me live there and get out of my rat apartment. I still can't believe I had a rat, i thought when i left the hellhole of the kappa sig house such incidents would cease. As of today i haven't had a drink since sunday afternoon and that was only one a delicious guinness. I am sticking to my plan although it requires almost constant vigilance to keep with it. Seriously it is sad how much effort it takes but it seems to be working as well as anything. I am of course an official facebook addict now. maybe having a job will curtail that but i seriously doubt that. Facebook has honestly helped me stay more sane if only in telling me that yes you do have some friends, no they aren't always around but they do exist. Note to self don't ever live alone if possible or at least if so make it close to some friends, this middle of lansing shit is terrible. I mean today walking home from morning class I was confronted with 3 cop cars in the process of arresting a young minority male one house down from me. I don't need this high crime shit anymore I spent years in it and it just stresses me out. Tomorrow is going to be a long day and by long i mean 19 waking hours with 8 in the car long. Problem is I figured out that I love for these long days. The times when i am really taxed, where i really do wonder if I can accomplish all this in the required time. Sitting around for hours at a time in a day it just so useless. It is even more useless when you realize that although you should be doing something else you should not. When i say i shouldn't it is only becaue if i take care of everything now there won't be anything to do in the near future. It reminds me of talking to Chris Hansen. Hansen was a valedictorian and smart as all hell, he got in with hippies at school and will probably make a full recovery. But the important part of the story was when he would sit down for like six or eight hours on sunday afternoon and night and do his work for the entire week. All of it. I had classes with him so i believe it, when you put that much free time out there it is a recpie for trouble. Don't i know it. Well enough rambling whining journal for now.

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 14:51:05 GMT

So, what is going well for me well the new place will be sweet once i move in. Going home for a little will be nice. Going to central for halloween will be pretty sweet. Also getting my grade on my botany test was kinda nice. It was a 95% which puts my test average at a solid 93%. At this rate i should be able to four point the class in spite of my missed lab or two. I have quit slacking in that class and i think it is just in time to avoid getting anything worse than a 3.5 so i should be alright when it comes time to send my grades to state. Next week I have a test in human sexuality which i am already excited about. Yes excited. I am looking froward to getting every single fucking question right so that the prof in that class will write me a glowing letter to the admissions committee. A letter I know that I need. Yesterday I also got some work done by photographing Chris and Vince Cavalieri for photography which is grade-wise probably my worst class considering that we have only had one assignment turned in. Also I worked on my online math class yesterday for a little. It is so tedious as i know that i once knew how to do everything in it. Anyway i might write another journal entry later today depending on how things go.

i can rarely think of good subjects

Tue, 25 Oct 2005 05:02:28 GMT

So, here i am just kinda wasting time in the computer lab on facebook and obsessively checking my e-mail. It would be nice to say "why do i spend so much time on such shit?" but i know the answer, i am just kinda bored and lonely hence the rambling journal entries. Today was by any account a good day so I couldn't complain if i wanted to. I woke at probably like 7:30 then bemoaned my life and didn't really get out of bed until like noon. By that time it was necessary as I had drooled on my pillow so much it was just gross. So i got up and tried to take care of shit. It worked today which was nice. I apparently landed a job at Buffalo Wild Wings. I mean i don't really want to work as a fucking fry cook. Frankly i can think of few worse jobs but i have done them. In all honesty if i had to be a fry cook BWs probably one of the better places as there is some opportunity for advancement to say bouncer or bartender which are my current hopes. I think i will start training on Monday next week. So this weekend I am going home to straighten up my affairs so to speak, hopefully i can sell some skis at the ski swap and make some money, that would be just peachy. Also today i found a new place to live. It promises to be the best place I have lived other than brief stints at home since sophomore year. It is in arbor glen out on lake lansing road. I would like something closer but it will probably be a good place to get work done and stay out of trouble. The guy i will be living with seems alright but i have no way of knowing at this juncture. It isn't too spendy either and I think I will have cable once again a real plus. After reading over a message from sandy Dahn and an e-mail from k. peterson i resolved myself for the fiftieth time today to stick with my plan. So now what I still have crap to take care of that i really want nothing to do with. Botany leaf project, photography reshoot, photography printing and developing, online math class. Really it isn't much at all. I am tempted to think of the line form a cheryl crow song i heard today on my ipod or radio or whatever. "Such a muddy line between the things you want and the things you have to do." I am confronted on a daily basis with the question of is it worth it? This stress, hassle, running around, caring what people think, thinking about thinking and on and on with this list of things that make up my life and many lives around me every day. we are people who actually get to decide fifty times a day "what do i want to eat?" or "Am I happy?" or "What color suits my personality?". I want desperately to attack all this and decry its inherent inhumanity but there is no point. All the marches and rallies and fundraising in the world can't make people give a shit. It is much more fun to be completely engrossed in your own person and your own moment. I honestly think this is part of the reason kids have such an impact on a person's life. The realization that there are other people and they are not like me no matter how much genetic material, time, money and love i contribute, people only change so much ever. Postmodern life. I think this phrase has become obsolete. Baudrilliard's Hyperreality is a closer approximation. I like to think of how clothing has transitioned in the last few years. Shirts with witty phrases on them used to be the sole domain of people who wanted to Proclaim to the world the one should stop plate tectonics or that the wearer was not opinionated; just always right. Then they progressed to Abercrombie and American Eagle and Hollister type things that were funny or vulgar or whatever now it has come full circle in that there are online stores that will print whatever you want onto a trendy looking piece of clothing so that the original intention of wit: to seem unique through thought can be had by all. I once owned a shirt from the dam brewery,not allowed at school. But now when there are shirts with innuendoes and entendres who is to say where decency really is. Do you protect children from a vulgar world by not showing them jokes they wouldn't understand? Does this then mean that you might be happy at the prowess of their intellect if they could dissect a pop culture pun meant for adults? This has really gotten too silly, i am going to fingerpaint with cherry yogurt on door of my linen closet. hahaha haha haha i heart live journal

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 23:21:48 GMT

HHHHmmm. So last night was a bit odd. I started out trying to hit the bars in EL but it was such a damn long wait I decided it wasn't worth it. I walked to the AK PSi frat party which was pretty sweet and had free beer which is always a plus. I met nick rochon there and also Audrey Lafaive and Lana whitehead. After the beer ran out cars were rounded up and a trip was made out to the landings where a halloween party was in progress. ( a little early i know but what are you going to do) shortly after arriving the keg ran dry and people started leaving but the party continued until well after 4. I got home at about 10:30 in the morning after sobering up for a while which was a good idea. But I still slept more when i returned home. This afternoon I watched the bloody packers lose to minnesota at some sports bar called Reno's with Alex Lundy. It has been a pretty normal weekend. I should have gone tailgating, but i can't wait to move to east lansing. Right now i think i am stuck in one of those awkward awful portions of life. A bit like the way you feel when you are about 14. Only instead of having misgivings about physical or social skills it is simply a bad spot in terms of transition. I am literally praying everyday that things go well and i get into state this next semester. Wasting away in classes at LCC is ok but another semester of this would drive me half nuts. I can't describe the anger I feel when I hear middle aged men bitching out loud about the length of the Photography class i have, no one makes you show up, it isn't high school. I really hate telling people that i go to community college, there is nothing wrong with it but shit i was on academic scholarship last year and now I have to beg professors to write letters to get me into a four year university. Plus there is that ever present problem in the life of all but a few males: girls or the lack thereof. Really it isn't like i need to have copious amounts of sex and drama to make my life interesting but it is so much fun that none at all is rather taxing, i would say it makes the days sort of dull and dingy as opposed to shiny and bright, if that makes any sense. Really the problem in self centered though. I get bored easily. I really do. Just being pretty and drunk still doesn't do it for me. I need smart to or at least acting like it. aaaahhh fuck it. i have just gotten way too personal.

none

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 23:07:33 GMT

So I have started a Livejournal. I think I have gotten burned out on facebook already so this seems to be the next logical step. I have written other journals in the past but no one looked at them so this is a completely new experience for me. I have had new experiences many in the last few months. Hell last night i drank beer out of a pumpkin for the first time. I can't say it was the coolest thing ever but you know it was worth trying again. I think owing to the vast tracts of free time that i currently have this might become a vast expanse of written words that will be large enough to obscure even the most vile and absurd tidbits nestled within the mangle and tangle that is typed all around.